Royal Recommendations

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Recommendation #8

Take your vitamin C. 

Vitamin C is important to prevent illnesses such as the common cold, infections, and scurvy. All of which are unpleasant. 

The good thing about vitamin C is it comes in many shapes, sizes, and consistencies. You can get it from chewable tablets, powder packets, juice, and fruit. Personally, I prefer the juice and fruit method. The other two formats taste like sweet chalk. I would know. I used to eat chalk as a kid. And sand. I loved me some sand. Clearly my palette has since changed. 

I am sick right now. Could be just a cold, with a side of fever. Could be a throat infection. Could be scurvy but that's doubtful. Hunky is plowing me with all 4 forms of vitamin C mentioned above. The things is, I actually prefer the chalky ones right now because the natural variety--juice and fruit--burn my throat like it's a flambé. 

Hunky also made me a gurgle with warm water, salt, and tea tree oil. It's like gargling rotten fish. 

So take your vitamin C. You don't want to end up sick like me, gargling rotten fish and eating chalk. 

Recommendation #7

Make your own lunch.

When you are out of the house all day, whether at work or at school, pack a lunch. The expense of buying lunch everyday adds up and so does the butter/mayo/dressing that restaurants use. When you fashion an egg or turkey sandwich, or a light salad with cheese and imitation crab, you choose how much butter/mayo/dressing to add. Making your own lunch will eliminate the confusion you are experiencing as to why your jeans have shrunk around the waist and rear-end. Your arteries will probably thank you too.

Similarly, when you put together the ingredients, you determine the cost. If you use smoked salmon it will be more expensive than canned tuna. But either way, buying ingredients from the grocery store and assembling them yourself is cheaper than going to your local sandwich shop!

Recommendation #6


You can't have your ass all over.

This phrase was coined by my paternal grandmother, Dear. It means, you cannot do everything. I felt it was necessary to put this recommendation immediately following #5: seize every opportunity. It is important to follow the latter advice, but it in moderation. Otherwise you will wind up running around like a headless chicken.

Dear coined many such phrases and was co-founder of the What Do You Need It For Club, of which I am a member. The premise of the club is to follow the creed, What Do You Need It For, when someone wants you to do something that requires a lot of effort with little personal gain.


Recommendation #5


Seize every opportunity.

Whether or not you are settled in your job, home, or relationships, be open to new experiences.

Last night I received a phone call from a choreographer looking for a contemporary dancer who can work on pointe [ballet shoes in which you stand on your toes.] Apparently I sent her my CV months ago. I have no recollection of this whatsoever. I sent my CV to everyone. Sometimes I sent it twice. Long story short: we chatted in French, Hebrew, and English and I will audition for her in two weeks. Take this as a lesson to put yourself out there. You never know when an opportunity will come knocking on your door, or calling on your mobile.


Recommendation #4

Engage in courting.

As my good friend's husband said during his wedding speech last Sunday, "I told him I was serious about pursuing Darlene." Paul would never have landed Dar if he had tried the usual male tricks known as bar-lurking. This is when a man hangs around the bar looking for targets. Once he finds a target he approaches her or her ugly friend with a shocking opening line such as, "My buddy over there thinks women don't believe in true love anymore. Do you think it really exists?" Bammo! His target will fall at his feet, topless and desperate for him. WRONG. If you want to land the girl, take a lesson from Paul. He told Dar's prom date that he was serious about courting her. Since Dar's prom date was just a friend, he stepped aside allowing Paul to make his move. Seven years later the couple was married. Paul expressed his eternal gratitude to Dar's former prom date and pointed out that in Judaism it is traditional to pay one thousand dollars to the newlyweds' "matchmaker." Unfortunately for Dar's prom date, Paul is not a very religious man, so he did not receive the customary gelt. But he did receive a standing ovation from the wedding guests.

Recommendation #3


Wear sunscreen.

It is officially summer and the sun is blazing through the sky like Apollo on his wild chariot. We all know the story with the ozone: we used to have one, then we polluted the Earth thus destroying its protective ozone layer. You might be thinking, "We're screwed! Nothing can save us from the sun's harmful rays and ten years from now my face with look like a pug. A brown, leathery, wrinkle-faced pug!" You are not entirely wrong. Sitting out in the sun will turn your face into a wrinkled leather handbag, probably your neck too. But there is a solution! SUNSCREEN. Sunscreen is the new ozone. The SPF you choose is exactly equal to the effectiveness of your new ozone.
Tanning Oil = bad
SPF 15 = a lazy effort
SPF 60 = Ozone Protection
Choose wisely because you are choosing your future face.


Recommendation #2

Appear small.

Unless you are my friend, Dini, who stands at 4’10”, you will need to employ certain maneuvers to accentuate your miniature size in comparison to your big strong man. Here are some helpful tips:

*CRANE YOUR NECK ALL THE WAY BACK TO LOOK UP AT HIM.

This will accentuate the height difference between you and the object of your craning. If your love interest is a T-rex, this is necessary behaviour. In all other circumstances this is accepatable exaggeration for attraction purposes.

*ASK HIM TO CRACK YOUR BACK.

Due to craning your neck back all the time, you have legitimate tension in the neck and upper back area. Ask the object of your affection to crack your back. This automatically forces an embrace and he will feel strong and masculine when he hears the crunching of your bones. Sigh in pleasure.

*TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AT FUNCTIONS.

Before hitting the dance floor at a wedding or gala event, remove your high heels. Your dance partner will be more likely to spin, dip, squeeze, and grab you if you appear much smaller than he is. You must be hyper-aware of his feet at all times in order to protect your exposed toes.

*CURL UP.

Curl up into a little ball at the movie theatre, on the couch, on a bench in the park, and anywhere else that involves sitting. The site of you in such miniature form will ignite his protective instincts.

*FIT INTO SMALL SPACES.

Similar to the Curl Up, fitting into small spaces ignites protective instincts. Duck under low archways in churches and other old buildings [only applicable when site-seeing]; take the middle back seat in the car; squeeze through narrow spaces between restaurant tables or parked cars [this also gives the impression of being thin]. Note: only attempt this maneuver if you know that you can get out of the small space.

*CUDDLE.

Men do not like to cuddle. What a load of horse. Men love to cuddle because they feel needed and enormous. Women love it because they feel safe and tiny. Things that improve cuddling exponentially include: placing your face in his armpit, curling your legs around his waist like a circus gymnast, resting your delicate hand on his burly chest.

*HANG.

This is a petite party favourite. When seized by love, joy, excitement, fear, or gas pains, launch yourself onto your male target and cling to him for dear life. Hands around the neck is a tried and true technique but hands around the waist or arms works well too.

Note: It is also helpful to wear clothes that are too big for you ie. T shirts that can be dresses etc.

Recommendation #1

Be aware of your face.
I was recently at a wedding, listening to one of the guests tell a joke. I knew it was going to be a pants-wetter because the joke-teller is one those hilarious people who assigns genders to inanimate objects and says things like, "oh my, that just blew out of my mouth!" As I listened to the story blow out of her mouth I completely lost awareness of my face. What I thought was an attractive on-the-verge-of-laughter face was, in fact, a tooth-bearing no-lipped snarl, which I only discovered when another guest gestured towards my mouth. I immediately composed my face into a more wedding-appropriate expression but the damage had already been done. Photographers and videographers swarmed the receptions like horse flies and no doubt, my snarl was eternalized on film. A lesson to all near and far, small and wide: Be aware of your face. You may even consider carrying a tiny mirror to verify that your face is following your instructions. Chances are you look constipated.